Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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