Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
