It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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