"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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