Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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