I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
