guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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