hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
