Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
is that a dick in a sweater?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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