Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
