dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
