I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
