i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
