you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
