so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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