I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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