Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
