There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
