I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
