Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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