when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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