Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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