So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
