I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
