Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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