i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
