you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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