I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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