he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize