so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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