Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
