Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
