Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
