So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So many bounce houses so little time
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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