so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
