my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
