I wish my penis had an off switch
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
