omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
