3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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