Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
