Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I will be naked everywhere
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
