woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
