Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
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