I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
