I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
