Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
