Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
