She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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