he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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