I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
