I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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