Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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