Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize