so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
They took my balls.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
