Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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