Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
