Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
