I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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