Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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