went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
