I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
