Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
