Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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