I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
