What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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