i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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