And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
