There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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